Just yesterday I was looking at my crazyus.com email archives and was completely blown away.  I have not really looked at those emails in years. And honestly I cannot believe how many people took time out of their busy lives to email me.   I feel really grateful.  I do not know if I ever really understood how completely amazing what I had was. The emails were thoughtful, hilarious, empathetic and a few of them were absolutely nuts.  I love them all!  My head was so into a blogging black hole five years ago that I think stepping away ended up being one the best things I ever did.  Back then I just did not see how good I had it or understand what a gift I had been given. Time and perspective are such amazing things.

SO

here it is Autumn 2011 and what happened in late Summer 2006 is way yesterday’s news. If you are reading, you probably know that once upon a time I used to blog. For years I blogged every single day and at the time I decided to stop blogging, I had carved out a pretty cool space for myself. Do I have regrets about walking away? Sure. Am I glad I took a break? Absolutely! It’s such a mixed bag.

Now that I am at it again, I feel that anyone who has stuck with me this long most definitely deserves an explanation. In the next few days I will really and truly try to address why I left blogging, where I was when I left and then over the next few weeks I will try to get you all up to speed.  Please do not hesitate to ask me questions and give me your feedback. Five years is a long time and consequently I have a world brimming with crazy, cool and new stories to tell. I only hope I can keep you interested long enough to hear them.

So

here I was attending Blogher. And deciding to attend Blogher at the very last second could only mean that I was hastily throwing myself into the epicenter of all sorts of confused-social-boundaries, which in turn would be made worse because I, myself, was completely depressed and also most likely the definition of a confused-social-boundary.  Oh Beth! I was in no place to be with a bunch of women, especially women, who like myself, spent their days hyper-analyzing their own lives and the lives of others. There is no one or no thing to blame.  I could have said, “no.”

Once I arrived and walked into the Blogher Arena, (a hotel just a short distance from the San Jose Airport), I knew that I had made a huge and most terrible mistake.   I stood there with sweat droplets accumulating on my upper lip and completely panicked. My panicking only reemphasized the feeling that I had no place being there. Instead of running for the hills (like I should have), with my tears a paralyzed breath from screaming down my face, for some stupid, stupid reason I stayed.

There I was

freaked out and faking calm.  I felt like I should recognize more people. I didn’t and instead I stood mystified, staring at everyone, trying to figure out who they were and consequently, I felt like everyone was staring at me. Of course they were staring at me. We were all in the same boat or better, standing in the same hotel. We all intently wanted to know who the person “really” was behind the screen and if said person also “really” measured up to how they were portrayed.  [Ok, this is not a completely accurate portrayal. Some of these ladies already knew each other.  This was not their first time stepping out from behind their laptop. They were the big sisters in this crazy internet sorority and the simple fact that they seemed a-hell-of-a-lot more comfortable in this atmosphere was something I wished for.]

With a lot of calls to my husband (Thank God for Dave), I somehow mustered my way through the long weekend (in truth, a mere 36 hours), only to make a complete ass out of myself at least five or six times.

Thankfully upon review, I would have to say that there were even a few non-ass-related moments. The very best part of Blogher 2006 was not even Blogher 2006. I skipped most of the seminars, was bored with the rest, was not interested in the parties I attended, and was completely pre-occupied with my recent and most devastating miscarriage. Somehow during all of this, I ended up meeting and then hanging out in the hotel restaurant with Gayla. She definitely started out more business and I liked it.  There was no hidden agenda as to why she was there and because of that Gayla was super easy to talk to and by the end I felt like I could call her a friend, or at least a good internet pal. Gayla reminded me of my groovy, alternative friends I hung out with in high school and college. I loved talking to her about life and not about blogging. That is the truth. She did not seem to care one iota if I was an important blogger or not an important blogger or why I was even there. I bought one of her “You Grow Girl” t-shirts for $25.00. I think that was our conversation opener, “You want to buy a shirt?” We talked plants. That is her thing. Plants and growing them. We also talked San Francisco because San Francisco was right up the street. It was almost as if I had simply met her in the hotel courtyard and we had struck up a conversation over a t-shirt. Oh wait! That is what we did.

(*AUTHOR’S NOTE: GAYLA has a better memory. We met over rice crackers. She saved me because I needed something to eat. The t-shirt came later.)

The other very best part of Blogher 2006 was meeting Jessica. We sat next to each other in some something-or-other seminar and whispered to each other the entire hour. Ok, let me be clear. I am sure there was nothing wrong or boring about the class we were attending. I am and have always been a little ADD and sitting anywhere for long periods is nearly impossible and that weekend sitting still was especially difficult. Thank God for Jessica.  I loved that she knew my background and loved that she could completely relate.  I needed that.  Instead of shh-ing me, I loved that she sat and whispered with me.

Blogher ended, yet, Blogher is not why I ended. I drove myself around a large clover leaf that led me the half mile from the hotel to the airport, hopped on a plane and went home. I cried. I wrote stupid things on my website. I cried some more. I took those stupid writings off of my website. I sobbed. I completely and utterly melted down, fought with all my friends and neighbors – literally (ask them), took ONE GIANT DEEP BREATH and truly from one breath to the next, it was clear. I simply let go. Next, we sold our house in one weeks time — a gift. I moved forward, never really looking back, at least not looking back in the same way.