So much to say,
So much to say
I feel better about my fertility and I still have cramps. I am guessing my period will still start on time, which means I want to eat the entire house. But, this week I let myself own how sad I feel. I am not pretending that it is better than it is, because you and I both know that for me, this whole fertility thing has really sucked. That being said, I feel happy. Why? I am not sure. Well, maybe I am. I think I feel happy because I am owning it.
My personal owning experience for today: Earlier this afternoon, when I ran into a neighbor at Costco and I saw her new baby, I told her how we have been trying for three years and how old it is getting. Then, she empathetically asked me if I felt sad when I found out my good friend was pregnant.
Of course I felt sad, but I also felt happy for her. I knew how much she wanted this. And sure, when I did find out she was pregnant, I silently went through a whole lot of, ‘why me’s?’
Then she asked me,
Is it hard in general?
Instead of what I usually do: talk about how much harder it is for everyone else, I owned it.
Yes, it is hard and sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes, when I see a new baby, my heart stops, I lose my breath and . . . well, you know, it is completely sad. When I see a woman’s pregnant belly, I silently suffocate with sorrow and yearn to be where she is. Instead, I am here.
Ok, we said a lot more and because I’m learning how to own it properly, I probably gave her way too much information, and I think that is ok. This woman was sitting there with her three kids (one of them a brand new baby) and she too listed how she would like her life different. She continued,
Yeah, I am wishing that they weren’t so close together in age, you know what I mean? It is really hard right now.
What I did is let this woman, who I don’t know very well, see who I am. And I am thinking, because she felt comfortable with who I am, she also felt ok letting me see her struggle too (at least that is what I hope). Liberating! As we finished our conversation, she assured me that everyone would be there for me if I end up having twins because of the Clomid.
Slow down there!
I said, and then we both laughed. It was nice. It was nice just to be.